Why is it that when can't have something, it's suddenly everywhere? It's like when you go on a diet, then all you can think about is warm, gooey, chocolate brownies with ice cream. So it is with me and babies.
Before I acquired my Infertile label, I was indifferent to babies, pretty much. I mean, I recognised that they were cute and everything, but I didn't feel a painful yearning deep in my gut every time I got a gummy smile from a chubby baby sitting next to me on the train, bouncing on it's proud mother's lap. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that my biological clock is ticking, ever louder, inside my head. Sometimes I even think other people can hear it. They can certainly hear me droning on about how sad I am to be going through the trauma of infertility, even if I do try to mask it with humour and flippant remarks.
I'm trying not to let my situation turn me into one of those bitter, twisted women, but it's a daily struggle. Everywhere I look, there are heavily pregnant women rubbing their huge round bumps and gazing into the middle distance dreamily, thinking about booties and what colour to paint the nursery.
When I returned to work recently after our 6 month sabbatical and went to meet my new team I was greeted by a 6 month pregnant girl beaming happily. It's not her fault I can't have children of course, but I still couldn't help but groan inwardly at the thought of being her manager and making small talk about her impending joy. Being a 33 year old married woman, there are also the inevitable questions as to when I'LL be starting a family, and I deflect them in a carefree, maybe in a year or two, way, when inside I'm screaming at them to shutup,shutup,shutup!!
The other day I was about to board the tube when I saw that the only seat left was alongside yet another hugely preggers woman. I swiftly switched carriages and slid, relieved, into a seat, only to glance up at the adverts to face one for Pregnacare vitamins, a smiling, with-child model staring out at me, smirking almost. (God, I AM getting bitter.)
It doesn't help that my job involves selling natural remedies and skincare products, often to mothers-to-be. I smile sweetly and give them the best and most thorough advice I can, silently praying that one day it'll be me asking excitedly about nappy creams and rasberry leaf tea.
The only consolation is that being surrounded by all these fatties, my barren stomach has never looked so flat in comparison. I know they're not really fat, but it consoles me, just for a moment.
I glance around at all these fecund, glowing pregnant women. I am the weakest link. Goodbye.
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Sam, Sam, Sam.....this blog is fantastic! and has brought back many memories and feelings for me. Its had me in tears.
ReplyDeleteYou REALLY are an amazing writer!
I am sooooooo praying for you both and will be there to support you 100% should you need it throughout.
Lots of love,xxxxxxxxx Emma
Hi Sam,
ReplyDeleteJenny here from IVFWorld.
Get it all out there!! I applaud your honesty :-) Why would you ever want kids when there's too much fun to be had? ...then suddenly, oops its important and everywhere - agreed.
Like you, I'm the one who can never sit still at work, or anywhere - your motto could totally be mine. Only they put 2 embryos in me today and I'm sh!t scared to move lest they fall out!!
I'm a bit older (36), but same story only the hospital couldn't find anything, so couldn't fix anything. Eventually after 2&half years trying, we get promise of NHS IVF and suddenly things start happening.
If you want any help, support, questions, etc., just let me know. One good thing though was that the side effect of the down reg drugs, at least for me, was that I simply felt stoned and in my own bubble and all people noticed was that I was quiet. It actually helped me calm down and concentrate on looking after myself for a change (you know how you run around doing everything that needs to be done for everyone else? - suddenly, I didn't really care, which was funny at work :-)
Make sure you get nasal spray for down regging rather than injections - its worked perfectly for me and you really don't need the excess needles!
Don't stress, the doctors know what they are doing and you're young & healthy; it will happen!
I look forward to more episodes of your blog.
Oh & my fav is Gaby's "No Pea in the Podcast" iPod downloads on iTunes. She did 3 IVFs and had a cancer scare too and now has twins - worth listening to from the start - great for commuting, so long as no-one can hear :-) :-)
Good luck!!!
Jenny
xxxx